good things come to those who wait

wow its been a while since ive written a blog on here..so much has happened..i went through my own personal journey..i began therapy right after my dad died/boyfriend broke up with me and began to work out my complicated grief..it was a long challenging process but i did it..i ran the race..i got to the finish line as a different and stronger person..ive learned many thingsa bout myself as well as how to put up boundaries and make decisions because i want to and not what others think..i learned not to care what others think..ive learned that if you go through pain youll be happier and wiser in the end..since then ive moved and now have 2 guy roomies..i also now have an amazing, strong, caring boyfriend..who knew a while ago all i could see was sadness and pain..now im so happy with myself and my life..im finally content and enjoying life as it comes..all along i held onto God as he helped me through the trial..i dont regret anything that has happened and im glad it did..finally..

Apologies are like gold

As I've gone through obstacles in life and been through many friendships I've discovered that God works in mysterious ways. Yes I know that Ive heard that many times and it seems cliche..but God is mysterious and His ways are def not on our timing. Ive realized the one thing that is most precious in a problem is the apology. Even though sometimes you want one and never get it, or you never want one and then get it anywayz, or it seems like years before you actually get one..you should get one and mean it..Some of my friends ive left for reasons i wont provide, have left me with neverending tears and a heart full of scars..but long after when im not expecting it God will bring that person back into my life to make an apology and bandage some of my scars. Thank you to all my friends who have apologized and tried to mend things with me. You'll never know how much that means.

life, love, and memories

As I was holding my friend's new baby the other day it hit me how fast time has flown by...

Bittersweet memories flooded my head as I recall the day I found out she was pregnant was the day my dad died..it was like the circle of life..what's really weird is that the baby was born on the 26th of july..my dad died on the 27th of december..both of those days really close together..

it seems like there's blessing everywhere even when my dad died..on my dad's bday my uncle finally got his kidney..

I've realized that even though ive been through alot ive come out on the other side as a new person..life makes you learn and throws ya down but you always get up on the other side..

i've learned to look at the positive things that came out of a relationship and my dad's death..ive learned alot about myself and how God never lets ya down even in the lowest of lows...

As a friend of mine once said "its better to have loved and lost then to never love at all but it sucks balls!"..i find that true..it sucks when you lose someone close to you but the minutes you were with that person you will forever hold in your memory and that person in a small way helps you out and gives you advice youll take with you in life..

hold onto your loved ones close..tell them you love them everyday..ive realized you never know the next time youll see that person..

jimminy christmas

I thought I'd write about how my life changed 6 months ago.
Back in november my coworker invited me to her church group and I ended up meeting awesome people including a girl I was in a show with but didn't get to know till now, a girl who used to date one of my friends, and my then soon to be boyfriend. Funny how I prayed about meeting new christian friends and low and behold a few months later I end up meeting these cool people. Other than the stress of work my life was pretty good and on track. I had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen in the end of december but thought it was a fear and i pushed it to the back of my mind. Funny how it was the Holy spirit trying to warn me and prepare me for what was about to happen. My dad was dealing with bladder cancer for 3 years now and it wasnt serious until december when the doctor told him he needed bladder surgery. My mom and sister went with me on december 14th for his 8 and 1/2 hour surgery. My sweet boyfriend also came to see me, support my family, and to keep me preoccupied cause ya know me I can't stay in one place for more than a minute..the surgery went fine and we saw him the next morning when he awoke..he stayed in the hospital for a week and then called me with the good news: he's cancer free and hes coming home a day early..we picked him up and he came home on december 23rd 2009..everything was fine but i still had that gut feeling that something wasnt right..i even made a comment to my mom which they disregarded and didnt think much of it..who knew things you say might come true..while he was home i was constantly hanging out with my boyfriend (maybe a little too much) to keep my mind from thinking bad things..my boyfriend made me so happy and i wanted to stay happy so i stayed with him alot..the day after xmas i was woken up by my mom saying we had to take my dad to the hospital cause he cant breathe..i start sobbing immediately to which my mom said i shouldnt go but i knew i needed to go with them..my sister stayed home..when we got to the hospital the doctor figured out it was a blood clot because of his symptoms of not being ables to breathe and his coloring and whatnot..they gave him an mri, cat scan, etc and thats when things went from 0 to 100 in like 60 sec..all of a sudden while they were looking at his heart they called the doctor in..i sat in the corner listening to phrases like tumors, clots, death, etc..i turned my head towards teh wall and started crying..nurse pulled me out as i forced my way back..i was not gonna leave my family..my mom and i said bye to my dad and said we loved him..there was fear in his eyes and a tear..he knew something was wrong..they forced us out and immediately sedated him..social worker came into the room with my mom and i and each time she came in it got worse and worse..we were talking about him dying..my mom and i were both in shock mode..nothing could prepare us..at one point in the room sobbing together all of a sudden we felt a blanket of peace fall on us..we both believe it was an angel giving us peace in a chaotic situation..even then God was looking out for us..everyone on my mom's side of the family and freinds of the family came to the waiting room..all we could do was wait..got to see my dad being wheeled on a gurney looking like death already..that sight still cant leave my memory..called my boyfriend crying asking him to come and see me..i needed him badly..he was one of the last ones to come and i believe he was my guardian angel in my time of need..God knew i needed someone to hold me while i cried and he was there..I couldnt have asked for a better man...im so grateful for him..granted this was the first time meeting any of my family..he met my dad before he died..that will always mean the world to me..i felt bad because i wear my emotions on my sleeve and he keeps his feelings in so he did an awesome job just holding me..he kept me company as we walked the hospital cooridors trying to make me smile even though it was a tough situation..i remember hearing my dad got a filter in his lung to catch any blood clots that break up from his legs..they gave him a hail mary pass blood thinner that will kill every clot in his body..which might cause brain damage because he could bleed internally..we got to go in and see him..his eyes were open and the machine was breathing for him..scariest sight to see your dad lying there dead inside..just a shell..scared the shit out of me and i couldnt go back and see him after they closed his eyes..i remember roaming the halls with my boyfriend and stopping to talk to him..i remember him telling me that i should go and talk to him cause it might be the last chance i get to see him..he was right my heart wanted to but my head said no cause i was scared..my wonderful cousin and her husband, my bf and i, my mom and sis all stayed overnight camping in the waiting room..the next morning after my sis, bf, and i went to get donuts my uncle came in and told us that my dad bled into his brain..at this point i was in shock and angrily asked him is he dead or not (scaring my bf of my reaction) and once my uncle said prob not a wave of sobs came over me..i wailed..i hit the couch..i screamed into the pillow..ive never cried from my heart like that ever..all of a sudden my boyfriend said omg! he told us he just found out his sister was pregnant..craziest news ever..with death comes life..we all had to move into the classroom cause there were so many people..all of the family came in to say our goodbyes and then pulled the plug..my sister, mom, and i got to stay after and say our final goodbyes..ill never forget that feeling..that emptiness..that pain that hurts your heart..i remember repeating to myself ouch ouch over and over..this all felt like a dream..a character in a play..even now its still surreal..after i kept crying i stopped at one point and sat down and just stared ahead of me with a numbness and emptiness..i felt like i was gutted like a fish..my heart ripped out..the funeral was new years day and it was a bittersweet celebration...stories were shared and memories told..it wasnt depressing at all..not to mention he had a huge turnout! over 500 people came to the wake..his burial was on the coldest windiest day of the year..as we left the hospital we all felt a void..something missing..that night while my mom was in bed and my sister left with her friends i felt the most lonley..i called my boyfriend to come and be with me and he stayed with me until i fell asleep..he was there for me in my time of trouble..he cared and did everything he could and i feel like i took it for granted..to my wonderful then boyfriend you were the best angel and my comfort and i could never thank you enough for loving me for me..from then on my head was in a blur..i couldnt think straight..i couldnt feel right..i couldnt do anytihng without getting irritated and bitchy..i didnt know a death could effect you that much but i now realize i was in a different place and couldnt tell you who i was back then..i became a different person..a sad person.my joy was lost and my bubbly personality became agitated..i got to the lowest of lows and knew i needed help or else i would have become crazy or depressed..i found a therapist in april and i feel like now im finally getting back to who i was..im a different person than before my dad died..but its a good different..ive learned to let go and let God..seems simple but when faced with torment its the hardest thing to do..ive been through so much shit but im glad i went through the pain because only then can i get to the joy..im still in a process but im getting towards the end..even in my sadness i still found hope and peace and joy..i still loved..i still let people into my heart..im still ok..my dad was a great father and i miss him dearly..i know he's with God and hes constantly here even though I cant see him..who knew id be portraying my life adjacent to Catherine in the play Proof..25th bday..dad dies..she thinks shes going crazy..same thing happened to me..ive seen things differently and have cherished little things more..ive been through a death and a breakup all in the span of a few months..and i survived and came out strong on the other end..im not out of the woods yet but im getting there..to my exboyfriend thank you..to my dad i love you..

Im scared youll forget about me

In the last post I promised I'd write out the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song Sober..
"and i dont know this could break my heart or save me..nothings real until you let go completely..so here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving..so here I go with all my fears weighing on me..3 months and im still sober..picked all the weeds but kept the flowers but i know its never really over..and I dont know i could crash and burn but maybe at the end of this road i might catch a glimpse of me..so i wont worry bout my timing i wanna get it right..no comparing second guessing no not this time..3 months and im still breathing..been a long road since those hands i left my tears in but i know its never really over..wake up..3 months and im still standing here..3 months ive been living here without ya now..3 months and im getting better yeah..3 months and its still harder now..3 months and im still breathing...3 months and i still remember it..3 months and i wake up.."

This song is awesome cause it can relate to anyone..whether due to a breakup, death, etc..

Another awesome song is from the band The Script its called The End Where I begin
"Sometimes tears say all there is to say..sometimes your first scars wont ever fade away..try to break my heart well its broke..try to hang me high well im choke..wanted rain on me well im soaked soaked to the skin..its the end where i begin..sometimes we dont learn from our mistakes..sometimes we've no choice but to walk away..now im alive and my ghosts are gone..shed all the pain ive been holding on..so move along.."

Lastly this song is a beautiful song and will always remind me of good memories.. its by John Mayer and its called Edge of Desire
"Young and full of running tell me where is that taken me..just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity..love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me..from all of my trials we still end up dying how can it be..dont say a word just come over and lie here with me..cause im just about to set fire to everything i see..i want you so bad ill go back on the things i believe..there i just said it im scared youll forget about me..young and full of running all the way to the edge of desire..steady my breathing silently screaming i have to have you now..why and im dying..think ill sleep in my clothes on the floor..maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours.."

Those are just a few songs that I love or that have helped me or have made an impact on my life..there are alot more.but i thought id share a few..

3 months and im still sober

This is the first time I've done an internet blog (well besides myspace posts..yeah that was a while ago). Anywayz this post is called 3 months and I'm still sober because I feel like even though it's been an interesting time these past few months I can still say I'm still standing. This title actually is a Kelly Clarkson song that is beautiful and you all should def look up the lyrics to it. I've had alot of losses in my life these past 6 months. I've lost a dad, a boyfriend, and in essence myself. I've been to the lowest of low and felt myself breaking down slowly. With a little help from therapy..and alot of help from God..I've managed to get up again. I've realized the only thing you can hold onto is God. He's the only one who can help you in these times and the only one who can heal your wounded heart. Little by little He has healed my broken heart. I can look back now and see that I've gotten stronger and I've learned things. I've laughed, loved, cried, sang, smiled, and gave my heart to chance. You know the saying "its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all"? So true, however, it does suck!