jimminy christmas

I thought I'd write about how my life changed 6 months ago.
Back in november my coworker invited me to her church group and I ended up meeting awesome people including a girl I was in a show with but didn't get to know till now, a girl who used to date one of my friends, and my then soon to be boyfriend. Funny how I prayed about meeting new christian friends and low and behold a few months later I end up meeting these cool people. Other than the stress of work my life was pretty good and on track. I had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen in the end of december but thought it was a fear and i pushed it to the back of my mind. Funny how it was the Holy spirit trying to warn me and prepare me for what was about to happen. My dad was dealing with bladder cancer for 3 years now and it wasnt serious until december when the doctor told him he needed bladder surgery. My mom and sister went with me on december 14th for his 8 and 1/2 hour surgery. My sweet boyfriend also came to see me, support my family, and to keep me preoccupied cause ya know me I can't stay in one place for more than a minute..the surgery went fine and we saw him the next morning when he awoke..he stayed in the hospital for a week and then called me with the good news: he's cancer free and hes coming home a day early..we picked him up and he came home on december 23rd 2009..everything was fine but i still had that gut feeling that something wasnt right..i even made a comment to my mom which they disregarded and didnt think much of it..who knew things you say might come true..while he was home i was constantly hanging out with my boyfriend (maybe a little too much) to keep my mind from thinking bad things..my boyfriend made me so happy and i wanted to stay happy so i stayed with him alot..the day after xmas i was woken up by my mom saying we had to take my dad to the hospital cause he cant breathe..i start sobbing immediately to which my mom said i shouldnt go but i knew i needed to go with them..my sister stayed home..when we got to the hospital the doctor figured out it was a blood clot because of his symptoms of not being ables to breathe and his coloring and whatnot..they gave him an mri, cat scan, etc and thats when things went from 0 to 100 in like 60 sec..all of a sudden while they were looking at his heart they called the doctor in..i sat in the corner listening to phrases like tumors, clots, death, etc..i turned my head towards teh wall and started crying..nurse pulled me out as i forced my way back..i was not gonna leave my family..my mom and i said bye to my dad and said we loved him..there was fear in his eyes and a tear..he knew something was wrong..they forced us out and immediately sedated him..social worker came into the room with my mom and i and each time she came in it got worse and worse..we were talking about him dying..my mom and i were both in shock mode..nothing could prepare us..at one point in the room sobbing together all of a sudden we felt a blanket of peace fall on us..we both believe it was an angel giving us peace in a chaotic situation..even then God was looking out for us..everyone on my mom's side of the family and freinds of the family came to the waiting room..all we could do was wait..got to see my dad being wheeled on a gurney looking like death already..that sight still cant leave my memory..called my boyfriend crying asking him to come and see me..i needed him badly..he was one of the last ones to come and i believe he was my guardian angel in my time of need..God knew i needed someone to hold me while i cried and he was there..I couldnt have asked for a better man...im so grateful for him..granted this was the first time meeting any of my family..he met my dad before he died..that will always mean the world to me..i felt bad because i wear my emotions on my sleeve and he keeps his feelings in so he did an awesome job just holding me..he kept me company as we walked the hospital cooridors trying to make me smile even though it was a tough situation..i remember hearing my dad got a filter in his lung to catch any blood clots that break up from his legs..they gave him a hail mary pass blood thinner that will kill every clot in his body..which might cause brain damage because he could bleed internally..we got to go in and see him..his eyes were open and the machine was breathing for him..scariest sight to see your dad lying there dead inside..just a shell..scared the shit out of me and i couldnt go back and see him after they closed his eyes..i remember roaming the halls with my boyfriend and stopping to talk to him..i remember him telling me that i should go and talk to him cause it might be the last chance i get to see him..he was right my heart wanted to but my head said no cause i was scared..my wonderful cousin and her husband, my bf and i, my mom and sis all stayed overnight camping in the waiting room..the next morning after my sis, bf, and i went to get donuts my uncle came in and told us that my dad bled into his brain..at this point i was in shock and angrily asked him is he dead or not (scaring my bf of my reaction) and once my uncle said prob not a wave of sobs came over me..i wailed..i hit the couch..i screamed into the pillow..ive never cried from my heart like that ever..all of a sudden my boyfriend said omg! he told us he just found out his sister was pregnant..craziest news ever..with death comes life..we all had to move into the classroom cause there were so many people..all of the family came in to say our goodbyes and then pulled the plug..my sister, mom, and i got to stay after and say our final goodbyes..ill never forget that feeling..that emptiness..that pain that hurts your heart..i remember repeating to myself ouch ouch over and over..this all felt like a dream..a character in a play..even now its still surreal..after i kept crying i stopped at one point and sat down and just stared ahead of me with a numbness and emptiness..i felt like i was gutted like a fish..my heart ripped out..the funeral was new years day and it was a bittersweet celebration...stories were shared and memories told..it wasnt depressing at all..not to mention he had a huge turnout! over 500 people came to the wake..his burial was on the coldest windiest day of the year..as we left the hospital we all felt a void..something missing..that night while my mom was in bed and my sister left with her friends i felt the most lonley..i called my boyfriend to come and be with me and he stayed with me until i fell asleep..he was there for me in my time of trouble..he cared and did everything he could and i feel like i took it for granted..to my wonderful then boyfriend you were the best angel and my comfort and i could never thank you enough for loving me for me..from then on my head was in a blur..i couldnt think straight..i couldnt feel right..i couldnt do anytihng without getting irritated and bitchy..i didnt know a death could effect you that much but i now realize i was in a different place and couldnt tell you who i was back then..i became a different person..a sad person.my joy was lost and my bubbly personality became agitated..i got to the lowest of lows and knew i needed help or else i would have become crazy or depressed..i found a therapist in april and i feel like now im finally getting back to who i was..im a different person than before my dad died..but its a good different..ive learned to let go and let God..seems simple but when faced with torment its the hardest thing to do..ive been through so much shit but im glad i went through the pain because only then can i get to the joy..im still in a process but im getting towards the end..even in my sadness i still found hope and peace and joy..i still loved..i still let people into my heart..im still ok..my dad was a great father and i miss him dearly..i know he's with God and hes constantly here even though I cant see him..who knew id be portraying my life adjacent to Catherine in the play Proof..25th bday..dad dies..she thinks shes going crazy..same thing happened to me..ive seen things differently and have cherished little things more..ive been through a death and a breakup all in the span of a few months..and i survived and came out strong on the other end..im not out of the woods yet but im getting there..to my exboyfriend thank you..to my dad i love you..